I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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