dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
