i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
