I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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