A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
