We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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