he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
