If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
