and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
