I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
