this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
