just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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