Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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