and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It all started with a game of naked twister.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
