Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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