This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
