i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
tell me about the eggs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
