So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I believe in your delicious
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
