Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
