she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
