So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
