saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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