I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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