No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
