I wanna bring you to show and tell
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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