I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
