i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
