i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
