There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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