how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
