He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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