New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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