I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
