You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
