Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
