Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
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