If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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