dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he thought i was a dude.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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