I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
