I accidentally had phone sex last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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