Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
