wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize