I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
