The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
