he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
