my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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