What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
