Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
