took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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