I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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