My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
