apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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