Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize