bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
