that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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