i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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