I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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