Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
