My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
