Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
