mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
its not stalking. its research.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
