I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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