I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
