have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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