chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
