i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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