hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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