just tell him i said nine months
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
