All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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