I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Randomize
